Folded page of a dream in my pocket
Mingling in idiot fascinations
Useless knowledge—
Songs of distress and a plastic love
Faceless bands, a neverending game
Shallow characters in a passion of bloodlust
Weary details washed away, no traces of distinction
All that’s left?
A worn, folded page of a dream in my pocket.
Days I can’t see the faces of my family
Each hour a blur of computer screens and screaming phones
Every minute a tide rolling over my head
Sounds and sights
Though no scent of life or aroma of death
Only the tuneless harmony of machines and our wasted breath
I have nothing worth remembering for every day I am alive
Just the shreds—
Loved until it lay in ruin—
Folded page of a dream in my pocket.
And that’s all that’s left.
___________________
Um, yeah, not very good. I've been skimping on the poetry writing this year.
And I need to get off the computer.........:p
Sumi
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
Great poem! I really enjoyed reading this ;] I can't think of anything else to say that hasn't already been said, sooo good job!
There aren't really many verbs in this first part? So there are a lot of things but they aren't doing much yet. As such, it sounds a little disjointed to me. Example:
there isn't anything about what happens on those days. I can assume that the following lines in the stanza are the expansion of that line, but I think a word or two is needed to connect them.
I especially liked the ending:
Quite enjoyed it meself, but listen to Fand. That poetry nut knows her stuff.
It is not bad, but great!
I really liked it, very deep in a way.
Just one thing, I think an a should be added in the beginning of the second last paragraph by the sentence: Folded page of a dream in my pocket.
A folded page of a dream in my pocket.
That sounds more deep for me.
Really liked this and cant wait for the next one.
Really nice. However, it's pretty wordy. I think that good poetry delivers it's message in a clear and concise way, but still has beautiful language. Try to cut out any words which aren't completely necccesary to the meaning and beauty of the poem; in poetry, every word counts. You don't want uneccesary words weighing down the poem.
I do like this though. "Folded page of a dream in my pocket" is a lovely phrase. ^_^ If I'm not mistaken, this poem is about desperately wanting to write something and never finding the time? xD yeah. I know the feeling.
So, yeah... just cut this a little in the bits that are really wordy, and I think this will be a very beautiful and eloquent poem! ^_~
I love it. Your sentiments are beautifully expressed, I love the fourth line, and:
"Each hour a blur of computer screens and screaming phones."
My only nitpick is the last line. I'm not sure that you really need it and I think that it weakend the overall impact.Other than that, well done, this is really great.
I really enjoyed this. I can't see anything that needs changed. It's really good.
I liked it. I know, that sounds like an absolutely horrid crit (the kind that would get kitties eaten...lol, sorry) But I honestly loved this. I wouldn't change the wording at all; I wish I could write poetry like this.
Good luck
~Bella~
I'm always speaking too soon. I should just wait until I die and then blabber about everything. :p
Because I'm a sadistic, vicious Baroness who finds it hard to write poetry with punctuation. ^_~
I don't know, actually. I find it hard to write poetry with punctuation, and most times I don't think it necessary, but I'll certainly keep that above in mind.
Thank you, Sah Fand! :bows:
Sumi ^_~
You spoke too soon.
Leave it to Sir Fand to deliver the well-deserved punctuation rebuke.
Admittedly, the rest of your poem is solid, if not stellar--nothing to write home about, but certainly an enjoyable little piece with decent imagery and a fine flow--but the punctuation! Inky! Why?
Okay, so here's the dealio, though I'm sure you've seen one of my punctuation-rhapsodies elsewhere on the site (deity knows I indulge in them often enough). Words are important, but it's punctuation that imbues poetry with most of its emotion! For instance:
"Hello." --Could be interpreted as simply conversational, perhaps flat, not overly cheerful or upset, etc.
"Hello!" --Enthusiastic, chipper, possibly sarcastic given the context, etc.
"...Hello." --Very unenthusiastic, perhaps irritated, full of restraint, morose.
"Hello?" --Inquisitive, uncertain, depending on context could even be fearful.
You see how punctuation can change things? For a more relevant example:
Well, this has one meaning. But simply by inserting a comma--one single little dot-with-a-curly-tail--I can completely change the feeling:
^~ So put some punctuation in there, girl!
Anyway, thank you! ^_^
Sumi
Wow. That really strikes something in me. Good job. And I don't think it's necessary to add an 'A' before folded. The lack thereof makes it stand out, but I find that to be a good thing.
that. was. amazing! wow, now if only I could put my thoughts into words like that...
the only criticism i can give is it would be a good idea to add an A. but that's already been said...
keep writing!!
Maybe it’s just me but I think you should add an “a” to the beginning of that sentence. Ignore me if you disagree but I think it was flow better.
Apart from that, this is actually very good. I love the language you used and it really made me think… no, I am impressed. Keep writing like that and you can’t go wrong!